Archive for August, 2010

Gender Euphoria (bodies can be really cool)

August 17, 2010

(Warning for mention of genitals, artificial genitals and talk of nudity)

I’ve been feeling pretty good about my body lately. I seem to be able to master androgyny while fat at least some of the time, which makes me happy, because I’ve thought for years it was impossible. At my handfasting a couple of weeks ago I both managed to wear a sort of femme outfit while feeling confidently male (binder underneath, ridiculous kaftan type garment with fish on it, underbust corset and pick docs) and get naked in a non sexual context ¬†around people while feeling okay with my body. During this, I made a discovery.

I have been binding for about 9/10 months now, pretty regularly. It’s kind of flattened out my breasts, and made them sag a bit. Basically, they look considerably more like large man boobs than like my breasts a year ago. I have witnesses to agree.

This is SO AWESOME. It makes me feel like my body belongs to me more. It makes me think that maybe, since testerone changes fat distribution, I might not want to get top surgery, because I like having sensation in my nipples.

I do really, really want to medically transition, the fact that I may not be able to scares me. I want male orgasm patterns, and facial hair, and different skin and fat and a foreskin and a deep voice. But I am feeling more okay with that being relatively far away.

A couple of weeks ago I’d gone out without binding and some twelve year old boys in a stretch hummer were heckling me. Which sucked. But one of the things they said was “is that a boy or a girl”, because I’ve got to grips with male body language enough for it to be a question.

Yesterday I bought a dildo that I can actually use (I have an XS Funfactory Share, but they forgot to make it small for the wearer, and I’ve had issues with sexual pain for a while now) Pretty much the first thing I did was put it on and put clothes on on top of it, to experience the feeling and look of having an erection under clothes. It was like binding for the first time, a feeling of a click and things being right. One of my early memories of wanting a male body was being furiously envious when hearing about erections in early puberty, and just really, really wanting one. I’m not planning on phalloplasty at the moment (even if I was it would be very, very far away) and while if I get hormones I will be able to have more distinct erections, they’ll probably never be that visible. But I think I am okay with that.

Also Roland has pointed out that when I’m not wearing it it looks like a ray gun (it’s a strapless strap on) and I am overcome with the urge to make an Ed Wood style low budget sci fi epic.

“But maybe it would be good for your self esteem”

August 17, 2010

I am feeling really good, you guys. Good enough to… get back into blogging. Good enough to go to a kink event wearing very little and genderfucking. And to actually cook rather than just putting stuff in the oven. And to tell my mother about the potential physical effects of testosterone on my genitals.

So, yeah. My mum was here today, and it was mostly very good. We talked of many things, including transition and elements of physical transition I think I want and why I’m seeing a psych until my GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) appointment. And we got, a couple of times, to the really shitty doctor’s appointment I had last week- I went in asking for something recommended to me by another doctor at the same practice, and was treated with the patented doctor disdain of anyone ever mentioning the words “I looked it up” or “online” to a doctor (the phrase mentioned was “online CBT”- I was asking for an NHS created programme of online CBT). I had a couple of other questions, he spent most of the time doing a “health review” which seemed to consist of ¬†checking my weight and making inaccurate assumptions about my diet from this and telling me to exercise more EVEN when I said that I hadn’t been able to because of depression. Which is unsuprising.

So, I’d got onto it with mum while talking about the CBT stuff, and we started talking about Health At Every Size. And as an illustrative example, I used this doctor making assumptions, and tried to explain that while I do want to get more exercise this year, I don’t want to lose weight for losing weight’s sake as it will probably have very either no impact on my health, or a negative one.

The response was: “But maybe it would help your self esteem”

My mum thinks or has thought many odd things about my self esteem. She has thought I’m transitioning because of low self esteem. She has thought that telling me that if I got pregnant, social services would take the baby away was the best way to react to the fact that I was having sex. Oh yeah, and she’s thought that when I gained a vast amount of weight after two years of disordered eating the best thing to do was to keep on telling me I should eat less.

Here are some lists:

Things that would probably not help Melusin with his self esteem by themselves:

  1. Losing weight

Things that would or do help Melusin with his self esteem:

  • Transition
  • Changing thought patterns/some form of therapy
  • Being recognised as his gender
  • Bodily autonomy

Things that definitely would not and have not helped Melusin with his self esteem:

  1. Having it assumed that he is lying whenever he talks about eating healthily or doing exercise
  2. Having it assumed he is a weak or bad person
  3. Catcalling, especially people’s responses to him eating in public
  4. Food policing
  5. Being encouraged to hate his body, and having it assumed he does.
  6. Being encourage to lose weight by any means necessary.
  7. That thing that he does (and has been conditioned into doing) where he doesn’t eat all day until he’s incredibly hungry and dizzy and unhappy, because he doesn’t feel he deserves food and the idea that he should eat less has been suggested to him so many times, which leads to him not enjoying the food he’s eating because he’s just so hungry.

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