Posts Tagged ‘transition’

Gender Euphoria (bodies can be really cool)

August 17, 2010

(Warning for mention of genitals, artificial genitals and talk of nudity)

I’ve been feeling pretty good about my body lately. I seem to be able to master androgyny while fat at least some of the time, which makes me happy, because I’ve thought for years it was impossible. At my handfasting a couple of weeks ago I both managed to wear a sort of femme outfit while feeling confidently male (binder underneath, ridiculous kaftan type garment with fish on it, underbust corset and pick docs) and get naked in a non sexual context ¬†around people while feeling okay with my body. During this, I made a discovery.

I have been binding for about 9/10 months now, pretty regularly. It’s kind of flattened out my breasts, and made them sag a bit. Basically, they look considerably more like large man boobs than like my breasts a year ago. I have witnesses to agree.

This is SO AWESOME. It makes me feel like my body belongs to me more. It makes me think that maybe, since testerone changes fat distribution, I might not want to get top surgery, because I like having sensation in my nipples.

I do really, really want to medically transition, the fact that I may not be able to scares me. I want male orgasm patterns, and facial hair, and different skin and fat and a foreskin and a deep voice. But I am feeling more okay with that being relatively far away.

A couple of weeks ago I’d gone out without binding and some twelve year old boys in a stretch hummer were heckling me. Which sucked. But one of the things they said was “is that a boy or a girl”, because I’ve got to grips with male body language enough for it to be a question.

Yesterday I bought a dildo that I can actually use (I have an XS Funfactory Share, but they forgot to make it small for the wearer, and I’ve had issues with sexual pain for a while now) Pretty much the first thing I did was put it on and put clothes on on top of it, to experience the feeling and look of having an erection under clothes. It was like binding for the first time, a feeling of a click and things being right. One of my early memories of wanting a male body was being furiously envious when hearing about erections in early puberty, and just really, really wanting one. I’m not planning on phalloplasty at the moment (even if I was it would be very, very far away) and while if I get hormones I will be able to have more distinct erections, they’ll probably never be that visible. But I think I am okay with that.

Also Roland has pointed out that when I’m not wearing it it looks like a ray gun (it’s a strapless strap on) and I am overcome with the urge to make an Ed Wood style low budget sci fi epic.